Steve vs. the Fire Ants

My back yard is a nice one. There have been loads of hours put into the gardens and yard works and what not. Beside the house is a HUGE maple tree that provides shade to relax in on those hot sunny days. I hold my backyard dear to my heart. And when something dear to you gets threatened, a person can become savage. Or maybe it’s just me.

In the middle of the garden there is a stone path, and at the end of the path is a large rock. And under that rock is where the evil lies. A colony of Red Fire Ants, yes the biting kind. So the other day my foot was attacked yet again by those little bastards and I declared war.

I charged the rock and over turned it with only a slight pain in my back. Then I accidentally spilt gas on the raging inferno of angry piss ants. Suddenly a mysterious flaming newspaper fell from the heavens and ignited the fuel stained earth incinerating the ants like a nuke. However, those ants are tough like a fox and many somehow survived. They fled like refuges with all that they could carry. But the can of pesticides I found stopped that pretty quick.

I win.

Demolition Derby Butt Kickin

This story is based on my own memory and others, cause mine was a bit shaky…

This past weekend was the annual Alliston Potato Festival and with that comes the Demolition Derby, which is one of the highlights of the weekend. So I’m there chillin with my brother, some of my cousins, and the great Jon Long. We got there 40mins before the start and got a seat in the front row of the bleachers. As people continued to crowd in they, for some stupid and inconsiderate reason, started standing in front of us so no one in the first two rows could see the carnage. And like typical Canadians, no one said anything, ugh. I didn’t want to either but I really wanted to see the carnage.

So I asked nicely a few times for people to move or sit down, but mostly no one was listening. Then we started heckling them saying “I can’t see” and “you make a better door than a window” in an obnoxious manner. Still no response. Flip!! So as a last hope I put our folding chairs behind this guy, we’ll call him Big Biff, and his two sons in hopes that either he’d use them or at least no one else would stand there.

Suddenly Biff starts staring at me looking extremely annoyed. So I told him that he could use the chairs. He didn’t like that.
“I don’t need yer chairs” Biff retorts.
“Well, you can use ‘em if you’d like” I replied.
“I don’t want yer F***in CHAIRS” barks Biff and at the same time he teaches his two young sons how to be a prick. I stare at Biff as if to say “you’re a goon and I’m not impressed” which was probably a bad idea.
“Do you got a problem bud?” Biff asks as he turns to face me. I wanted to state the obvious but instead I kept that look on my face except now it’s also saying “gosh you’re an idiot” which again was a bad idea. Then Big Biff starts walking towards me, and dang he was a big dude.
“Do you have a F***in problem?” Biff Growls. How do you answer that in this sort of situation? I sure don’t know.
“I’m having a bad F***in day pal, its not your fault but if you keep F***in pushin me I’ll F***in take it out on you!!” Aren’t you already taking it out on me?!? I was having visions of my sunglasses being smashed into my face from Biff’s fist.
“Watch the F***ing race” mumbles an old lady sitting behind Jon. Finally Biff settled down after venting a bit more in my face and returned to his spot, but thankfully he squatted down. He eventually left, which was a relief. But I still ended up having to ask people to move. Fortunately they weren’t as cranky as Biff. Finally the announcer asked people to move away from the fence and that mostly cleared the ignorant mob.

That’s my story, mostly accurate I think. I’m just glad that Jon had my back just incase it got ugly. Feel free to add you side of the story Jon…